


Tani Did Not Sign Up For This, Thank You Very Much

by kristen999



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Humor, M/M, Semi-Crack, Team Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 13:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14619231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristen999/pseuds/kristen999
Summary: Tani shares a jail cell with Danny, Lou, and Junior and learns a few things about her team and SEAL boss.





	Tani Did Not Sign Up For This, Thank You Very Much

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote something funny? My muse was in a mood.
> 
> Not beated. All mistakes are mine. Could be read as pre-slash or gen.

***

Tani’s stomach made a slow, prolonged gurgling noise. It was so loud that Junior side-eyed her from inside the cell beside her. She glared at him and he ducked his head. Biting her lip, she got up and started pacing. Her stomach growled again, and no one dared give her crap for it, because the last thing she ate was a sandwich eight hours ago.

She stared at the holding cell door for the dozenth time, resisting the urge to bang her fist against the bars. 

Glancing behind her shoulders, she starred at Junior as he started pulling his belt out from his pant loops. “What are you doing?”

“Seeing if I can use this as a lock-pick.”

Tani raised an eyebrow. “You’re kidding me?”

“The answer to that question would be no,” Danny said from the cell to her right. “Based on my personal experience with SEALs, he thinks it’ll be easy to use a metal prong to crack open a lock with five tumblers. Or use his boot laces to thread through the key pins.”

“You’ve had a lot of experience with lock-picking?”

Danny shrugged like he was talking about waiting in traffic. “No, I’ve had a lot of experience being held prisoner. Warehouses, jungles, even a cage.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“Give it a few more years.” Danny rested his arms on his knees from where he sat on a bench. “You’ll rack up the same amount of experience points.”

“You’re comparing being kidnapped and thrown into a jail to earning frequent flyer miles.”

“Yeah.”

Tani’s mood shifted from oddly amused to concern. “Exactly how many times have you been held prisoner?”

“I lost count.”

“Six?” Lou asked, speaking up for the first time in a while. He sat in the cell across from them.

“Seven, I think,” Danny said.

“I almost have it,” Junior chimed in.

Tani watched him bite his lip as he wrangled with the lock, but Tani was too busy playing out the recent conversation out in her head. “Back-up a second, did you say you have experience with being locked up in an actual cage?”

“Yes, one time.” Danny stood up and wandered over to his side of the bars to study Junior’s activity. Tani moved out of the way so he could see. “Steve tried the whole belt buckle thing and when that didn’t work he provoked the bad guys into beating him up so he could steal a bullet.”

Junior stopped wiggling around the lock and looked over at Danny. “A bullet?”

“Yeah. He used the powder inside to blow-up the lock.”

Tani crossed her arms and nodded at Junior. “Why don’t you do that?”

“Because I don’t have anyone around to piss off.” Growling from his lack of progress, Junior stepped back and glared at the jail door. “Wish I did. Anything is better than sitting around.”

“Mind you, Junior just admitted he’d rather get his ass kicked than having his face and body devoid of bruises,” Danny pointed out.

“Devoid?” Lou snorted. “Are you using that daily calendar again?”

“Perhaps.”

“But Commander McGarrett's gambit worked, he obtained the tool needed to escape.”

“Did you just use the word gambit?” Danny asked.

“He did.” Grover sing-songed. “While sporting that puppy dog look whenever he hero-worships the Big Kahuna.”

“I do not hero-worship Commander –”

Lou burst into laughter. 

“Junior, hon.” Tani reached through the bars to gently pat his arm. “Your whole face lights up like a kid at Christmas whenever he praises you.”

“It’s kind of cute,” Danny added.

Noting how red Junior’s cheeks were blushing, Tani took pity on him. “Well, anything is better than trying to ignore the obvious sexual tension between both your bosses.”

It sounded like Lou was choking now.

“Excuse me?” Danny asked. 

Oh my god, this was trying Tani’s patience. She turned to her left to face him. “Are you serious with the obliviousness? I mean, I don’t know how two intelligent people could be so blind. Although when you two go into McGarrett’s office with the blind closed, I wonder if I’m wrong based on your giddy faces when you walk back out.”

Junior cleared his throat. “Could we get back to the whole escaping thing?”

“McGarrett would have some explosives sewn into the soles of his boots,” Lou mumbled. 

Junior stared at the lock, back at his belt, then around his cell. “Maybe we could use physics or something.”

A rumbling sound echoed in the distance. Tani stood closer to the bars and listened. “Um, did anyone else hear that because it sounded like an explosion?”

“Yeah, it did.” Danny moved toward the front of his cell and stared at the door at the end of the room. “Sounded like it came from the northern end of the compound.”

Tani glanced from Junior’s beaming face to Danny’s pinched worried one and caught a clue. “You guys think McGarrett is leading a team inside?”

“A team?” Lou said with a snort.

“Yeah, you know, S.W.A.T.”

But Danny was shaking his head as she spoke. “The assholes who grabbed us and threatened Steve on the phone said if they saw any tactical teams approaching then they’d kill us all.” 

“We’re assuming that McGarrett could even find us.”

“Uh-huh,” Lou said.

She didn’t even glance over at Danny, Tani could feel his _are you kidding me_ expression from here.

“Okay, say McGarrett is able to track us down without help. What is he going to do? Launch a one-man assault on an abandoned prison in the middle of nowhere?”

“You’re asking this as if you doubt the likelihood,” Danny said completely deadpan.

“I…” Tani paused when a second explosion went off. This time it was even closer. “But there’s like twelve bad guys.”

“I doubt there’s twelve now,” Junior said. And yeah, he sounded really proud.

“McGarrett is still very outnumbered,” but self-doubt started creeping into Tani’s voice.

“That’s what grenades are for.”

“Dude,” Tani said to Junior. “Get your goo-goo eyes under control.”

The rapid fire of semi automatics made Tani bite her lip. It wasn’t an exchange of gunfire, it sounded like several different people shooting at one target and the target wasn’t firing back. 

The tension in the room rose tenfold. Danny white-knuckled the front of his prison bars. Tani’s heartbeat echoed insider her ears. Grover’s feet scraped the ground as he paced.

_Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat._

“That’s an AK-47,” Danny said. “We don’t use those.”

“So, it’s the bad guys shooting at McGarrett.” Tani focused on the various sounds of gunfire, realization dawning. “If McGarrett isn’t firing back….”

“It’s because they can’t find him.” 

Danny’s tone of voice was steely calm. He tilted his head listening, waiting.

_Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat._

“There are fewer gunshots.” Tani leaned forward, turning her head to stick her ear between two of the cell bars, listening to the decreasing number of shots. Sweat pooled between her shoulder blades. “Why isn’t McGarrett firing back? How is he…?”

“The best way to take out a larger, opposing force is with stealth.”

Tani glanced over at Junior, her mind wandering. .

_Rat-a-tat. Rat-a-tat._

A shiver went down her spine. Tani wrapped both hands around the cell bars now, her pulse thrumming in her ears. “And he’s done this before? I mean, of course he’s had, but that was years ago, right? I mean before the task force and the whole stress thing…”

“How long have you been on this team?” Lou asked. 

“Don’t you remember your first day on the job?”

Tani new she was on the receiving end of the biggest eye roll from Danny. “Yeah, I forgot about the whole airlifting a house from a helicopter thing.”

“You forgot?”

Tani avoided Danny’s eyes. “More like scrubbed it from my brain with copious about of alcohol.”

The thumping noise of a body hitting the floor was followed by a series of punches. A loud grunt caused Tani’s shoulders to tense. Her face was a laser line toward the door -- a door that slammed open from a giant kick.

McGarrett stormed inside, Sig first. He was dressed head to toe in all black, his cheat heaving, his face smeared with dirt or grease, maybe blood. It was hard to tell. It was kind of a sexy look and Tani reminded herself that her boss was kind of insane.

“Are we clear?” he shouted.

“We’re clear, sir,” Junior answered.

Was he standing at attention?

Danny let out the biggest sigh as he rested his head against the bars. “Let me guess, you didn’t bring any back-up?”

Panting, McGarrett cracked a grin. “You guys are my back-up.”

Danny groaned. Lou muttered under his breath. When Tani glanced over at Junior he had his eager puppy face going on.

“I need a drink,” Tani said releasing a breath.

“Did you find the keys?” Danny asked.

McGarrett handed a set to Danny who held them up with a frown. “Is that blood?”

“Not mine.” McGarrett pulled out a second set and went toward Lou’s cell and began unlocking it. “Is everyone all right?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Lou said, clapping McGarrett on the back.

Danny was out of his cell and started unlocking Tani’s. “What about you, babe? And new bullet holes or stab wounds?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Broken bones?”

Tani stared at Danny as he strode up to McGarrett and started prodding him like it was some routine post-battle-rescue-inspection. 

Lou walked toward the open door and peered into the hallway. “Should we call an ambulance or two?” 

“Quit it would ya? I said I’m fine.” Steve twisted away from Danny’s over-use of touching. He paused as if he had to think about Lou’s question. “Maybe just one?”

“Is there a back way out of this place or are we going to have to tip toe through the killing fields or something?” Tani stared at McGarrett while he had to think hard again. “Okay, you know what. Just point in the direction you staged your recreation of Rambo First Blood and I’ll go the opposite way.”

Junior actually beamed at her. And no, just no. Tani just didn’t have time for this. She needed food and a few shots of tequila.

She turned her attention toward the guy responsible for her paychecks when he stumbled slightly going toward the door. 

“Hey, what was that?” Danny started crowding into McGarrett’s personal space. 

“Nothing.”

“That’s not nothing.”

“It’s call an adrenaline crash, Danny. I’m fine.” McGarrett wrapped an arm around Danny’s shoulders and rubbed a hand up and down his arm. And kept rubbing it. “But maybe we could call Grub Hub or something and get dinner delivered because I’m starving.”

“You want food delivered to a crime scene?” 

And yet, Danny not only dug through McGarrett’s pockets for a cell phone, he started scrolling through the menu screen. 

“Um, could I get in on that?” Junior asked, raising his hand.

“Seconded,” Lou responded.

Tani watched Lou crowd behind McGarrett and Danny as they argued about what type of food to order. 

“I belong to a traveling circus of adrenaline junkies, four-year olds, and two giant ostriches in love.” 

Sighing, Tani walked past the hungry-hungry hippos in search of the nearest liquor store. 

***

Fini

You can hang out with me here :) http://thekristen999.tumblr.com/


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